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Sunday, October 16, 2016


There was a time everything I loved was destroyed . So I learned to love everything , even the destruction .

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Toxic Relationship

What is it like living in a toxic relationship? It is having the one thing you turn to for salvation be the one thing that destroys you completely . It is living in fear, anger, depression, and occasionally elation .

What many people do not understand is toxic relationships make you feel weak. They drain you , literally sucking the very life from your soul. So why do people stay? Because they want to believe it is fixable. They feel it is something within them that needs to be better. If they can only try a little harder.

But sadly the relationship is living in a hurricane that never blows away. The eye of the storm? The eye is sweet bliss, stillness, sunshine, the thing that keeps you holding on believing maybe ,just maybe, the storm has passed. It never does though. It stays calm just long enough to build more to destroy. Destroy it will.

Your self esteem becomes dependant on who they tell you you are. Depression becomes your life partner . Darkness wraps it's arms around every aspect of your life keeping you waiting for the light that is the eye of the storm. So why, why do they stay?

For each it is different. Some forget they have their own light. They don't need the eye of the storm to see beauty but much like Plato's cave they never venture out to see the beauty beyond the walls of the hell in which they live. Others believe that is all there is in life, pain, loneliness , longing for a love that never comes.

How can you help someone in a toxic relationship ? If it is you and you can see the storm in which you live know you deserve more . You need to love you. Yeah I know. "Self love" everyone talks about it but who has it and where do they get it from right?  It is literally what it says. Love yourself enough to go through the pain of letting go so you no longer hurt. Life will not be all sunshine and rainbows . You have to take the good with the bad. The difference is you do not have to be made to feel like the pain someone causes you is your fault. Ever.

You do not deserve to be lied to, cheated on , or physically and emotionally abused. Period. I hear you . "No one else will ever love me because I am broken." Yes they will. Your first real love must be your love for you. Why? Because right now you live in darkness. It is so heavy and all encompassing you can no longer see your own light. Once you find the strength to walk out of that cave you will come to see the beauty that surrounds you. You will shine. That light, the light that has kept you alive through this hell life, will grow and the right people will find you.

If you make it out , when you make it out, you must be vigilant in protecting that light. Never let the value of your life be determined by someone else's opinion of you . If you have read this through you are searching for answers. I hope this helps you find them. Please understand abuse doesn't always leave marks on your skin. The deepest cuts are very rarely visible to the world. You are worthy of love. You do not deserve to be hurt, cheated, lied to, belittled , or abused. Please , please get away from the storm.

If you need help escaping there is help available or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), available 24/7.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Twin flames

Once in a rare moon a live comes along .
A love that is so fierce , so true, so honest
The heavens open up to its beauty.

When two hearts beat in unison,
Complementing and completing the very spark of the other to create a fire that burns so deeply into their souls no trial can separate it.

If you stumble upon such a sweet divine existence respect the rarity of its being. Treasure the beauty of its existence. Marvel upon its wonder.

Few will ever feel love so deeply. Yet the few give hope to the many.

There is a live out there that runs deeper than the ocean itself. What treasure it is so see it in this world filled without.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

What no one is saying

First I want to say that I understand fully there will be people who will twist and select my words. To those who choose to do this YOU are part of the problem.

Now, for what everyone is afraid to speak out loud . This is 2016 America. As i write this the city of Charlotte has been on fire for two days. Citizens everywhere are screaming of injustice. Yet , we are more divided now than ever. Why?

I am not one to rush to judge. I gather facts from all sources and then form an informed opinion while listening and trying to understand every side of an argument. With that said , there is far too much unspoken beneath this issue.

"White privilege " has become a constant reoccurring topic through all this. Of course I have listened intently to those who claim they fear for their lives. What I have heard is simple; white people are just as frightened.

I remeber well growing up in a neighborhood that was culturally mixed and feeling the undercurrents of the previous fight for racial freedom. However, we were taught our friends were friends regardless of their skin. It was hammered into our heads to show respect for everyone. We were taught to be sensitive to the feelings of others for acts that happened long before our birth.

To this day ,my friends do not have a shade in my eyes other that the red beauty of their hearts. So why, why in this day and age are the undercurrents of white against black still so strong ?

In my search for this answer I recently read an article from a woman of color who is a Harvard graduate. First congratulations to her drive! That , for any woman, is a huge accomplishment because gender bias is still very strong in this country . She spoke of what it was like being a black woman growing up in America, the racial slurs, the opportunities earned that were treated as solely because of color . Guess what, as a white woman I experienced the same thing.

See that is what no one is saying. Racial slurs, saying a person accomplished something only because of their skin, assuming an individual is a certain way simply because of their color ,happens to white people too.

I can give specific examples that I personally lived through but it is of no point right now. What is the point ? When we see lights behind our cars we feel fear too. We don't know if the person walking up to our car will mistake us for a threat and shoot us any more than you do.

We don't know when we dial 911 for a domestic if the police will mistake us for the threat and end our lives . Racism is by definition the belief that members of each race possess characteristics or abilities speficic to that race especially so as to distinguish it as inferior or superior to another race.

Let's think about that for a second. Racism is still very alive in America. Why? Because people choose to focus on what they think someone else has , does,or feels based solely on their skin. This is where people will get butthurt . It is not reverse racism to say "white privilege" . It is racism. Period. If you don't want to be judged by your skin dont judge mine. Simple . So now that we have realized equality is just that equal , let's get to the reason Charolette burns.

Our police , yes people ,your neighbors,friends, parents , sisters, and brothers that put on a uniform and go to work to serve and protect are killing innocent citizens. No I did not say a color and it's about time everyone stopped doing that too. Why? Why are they shooting first? To some extent ,it appears they fear that at the end of their work shift they will be in a pine box.

Let's face it , there is more anti blue movement in this country right now than any time in our nation's history. Fear is a powerful force. However it appears the problem delves much deeper. Is there a lack of training? Is it a lack of punishment for going above the law? Are we not screening and mentally supporting them enough? These questions need answers and solutions.

The one thing I know for certain is looting and burning a city does nothing but further the divide, give justice to injustice, and make brute force appear justified . Stop it!!!! Stop screaming it's a color thing. It is a breakdown in society and blaming any one race will not fix a dang thing.

Yes I know I'm "white" that doesn't mean I have not experienced police corruption. Experiencing police corruption does not mean I would wish death upon those who run in when everyone else runs away. When society collapses and lawlessness reigns who will you call for help ?

It is time to stop hating color, it is time to bury the hatchet of our ancestors and look at the society we have built now. Yes we have a problem. It is not a black problem . It is a society problem. It's time to take color out of the headlines and fix the problems . Period.

The quest

I can not give up
For there are shores left unseen
Foods yet to taste
And the wind on a mountainside to feel.

It is not yet goodbye
For there is a love out there waiting
Oceans to cross
And wonders to explore .

My time can not be over
For the air in my lungs still longs to sing
My feet wish to dance
My soul longs to be freed.

What torture is this then
Trapped in stagnation
A body decayed
With a mind held captive by a wondering soul?

I will not surrender
For my time has not yet come.
Then suddenly I wonder
How many have passed
With life left undone?

The must still be time,
To steal a kiss from the moon,
To taste the wine of every shape and kind
And learn to laugh in a hundred languages too.

Grant me please goddess
A pass to return again,
Should this life suddenly come to its abrupt end.
How many times before have I made this request?
How many times more until I finish my quest?