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Wednesday, August 24, 2016

It's gone

It doesn't hurt anymore. It's the strangest realization. When the sound of their names, a picture, or even a place that used to reach inside your chest and pull apart the pieces of your heart no longer hurts. 
It happened today. I braced for that all too familiar shatter. I expected to feel that searing burning pain from the reminder that I gave all to someone who could ultimately never give all back to me. But it never came. 
For a moment I was bewildered. Why doesn't it hurt? Then I slowly realized it doesn't hurt because I'm over it. I don't know when it happened. I'm honestly not even sure how it happened. But apparently at some point in time I came to grips with the truth. 
Truth , now there's a word I've been saying a lot lately. It's amazing how many lies people can conjure about ones life. It's almost ironic in the sense the reality of a person is bad enough why embellish it? 
I have no time for anything other than real. I have no patience for people who wish to cast stones without even knowing what sins another is truly guilty of. I've lost the desire to accommodate small minds and idle gossip. 
Judge me . Hate me. See only part of the complexity that makes the whole me. I really don't care.i now realize it is possible and actually common to love someone without ever being their first love or soulmate. It is even more possible to see yourself, flawed,imperfect, human, and to love yourself regardless. 
I've battled depression and inadequacy for as long as I can remember. I strove desperately to win the favor of everyone close to me. Like the kid in gym class who is always picked last, I've been picked last far too many times. Why? Because I didn't value myself enough to stand in the right line? Maybe . because I honestly wasn't good enough to be picked at all? I no longer care to know.
I guess this is my way of taking myself out of the line. I will never wait to be chosen again. 
If you see my book on the shelf at the local bookstore and you pick up the book next to it instead, cool. If my husband leaves tomorrow for another woman, cool. If I'm eternally a disappointment to my parents here and above,okay. If my kids grow to seek out professionals to help them deal with their hideous mother,okay. 
Why would I possibly be okay with any of those things? Because I choose me. I still see my many faults physically, emotionally, and spiritually . I choose to love myself anyway. Why? Because I am the only one who lives in my skin. I am the only one who feels the searing pain of rejection or the exiliration of success. I am the only one who has to pick me out of the line. So when they pull those cards that used to hurt I can now smile. 
Today for the first time in forever , it doesn't hurt to be me. It doesn't hurt to be reminded of all who were chosen instead of me. From here and forever I choose to simply walk away from anyone or anything that doesn't see value in me, 

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