Saturday, February 12, 2011

Screw Valentines Day

What is love?  This blog post is going to get candidly open and personal. For those of you who silently stalk my blog and know me in the real world, yes this is really how I feel. Take it as that, feel free to post back. Argue with me! Tell me what is out there I have yet to experience, maybe you will help change my life. At the very least, please understand we all walk diffferent paths. Maybe the destination is the same, maybe the paths never intersect, but this is my Anti-Valentines post.

 Valentines Day has always been my least favorite holiday.It's not that I don't adore flowers and candy. No I've never had a problem finding someone to be my Valentine. It is the fact that most people choose to wait for that one day. Why? What is love if it is not tasted and felt everyday?

Most people say "I love you" in passing, as casually as "bless you" or even "Thank you". Maybe because of the family I was raised in, maybe just my twisted self, I can not do that.There is something inside me that feels like growling when someone says "I love you", as if, "thank you for letting me use you". The words are just empty,redundant words, meaningless. Maybe there in lies the problem. On some level, part of me sees love as simply a way for another person to hurt you deep down, beyond sight, and you are simply supposed to say "thank you".

Love is not a word, or an emotion, it is a state of being, it is the feeling that overtakes you when laughter hits yours ears, or chocolate touches your tongue, intensified by the thousands. The semiparalytic,semiconvulsive state that overtakes your body when a song comes on the radio that sings to your heart so deeply, you find yourself singing outloud at the top of your voice, with the person in the next car over looking at you in fear of your mental health. (come on it's happened to you at least once)The ultimate adrenaline surge, when the proximity of someone makes your heart beat so hard, you fear they can hear it too, like you just ran a marathon, even if you haven't moved. When the thought of their touch or the sound of their voice steals your mind so completely, you forget to breathe.

 I tend to analyze everything I do, always trying to picture the outcome from every angle, except love. I love like a tornadoes wind, wildly, uncontrolled, without thought or regard to what may be destroyed in the process. Usualy it is to my own detriment. A Martyr in love, commonly known as a creative heart with a gypsy's mind. The problem with this is I am also unyeildingly stuborn and driven.

I don't want a dozen roses and lobster on one day, I want to be swept off my feet at a moments notice to dance under the stars. I want someone to listen, really listen, to my dreams and try to understand them. I don't need someone else to complete me I need them to lift me up and give me the wings I lack on my own.

Yes I'm crazy,I expect to find someone as open as myself to love me uninhibited, not unconditionaly but jump off the cliff and hit the bottom beside me if we dont fly. That is why I hate Valentines Day it's like the whole world takes one day to lie to eachother, to pretend feelings they don't show every day. Hell we are all human. We are going to find people beautiful, we are going to find sunsets hypnotizing why not share that instead of hiding it like a dirty little secret.

The only thing I have ever asked for from love is what I have given, trust, honesty, understanding, and the stupid innocence I have readily handed my heart over with repeatedly.

Fuck the roses, talk to me, listen openly, try to understand the anguish that drives me to solitary.Understand that I strive to be perfect at everything, yet see the abundance of flaws in myself that drive me to continually seek improvement. 
I am confidently terrified. The one thing that scares me the most, is trusting people. Give me blood, guts, wounds, cancer, fear, death, birth, I'm good.I can hold the hand of a person with death lurking in the corner and comfort them through their last breathe. The pain passes through me, and leaves fatigue, but no lasting heartache. Illness, even infants I can accept as life for the most part. 

That said, burn me once and I'm going to evaluate everything under a microscope before I move again.Most importantly don't sleep beside me, LIVE with me. Does that mean everything will be perfect? Fuck no, it's human nature to screw something up, but atleast it will be fun instead of waking torture.
 There you have it, my take on the National Day of love.Don't ever ask me to be your Valentine! If you ask me to be your playmate, I might say yes, as long as you're not just playing with my heart. If all you're in it for is games, you might want to run, or at least read my writings first, I am a master of head games with a terrifyingly twisted,vendictive mind that has seen more in my brief life then I would wish on my deepest enemy. One last thought, there are two things in life that, in my eyes, a person should never be asked to prove: love and innocence. Both are found, occasionally felt, and ultimately cherished when found,that would be the way of the wise.


  1. OK you asked for comments - here goes. I have lived a rather bumpy life myself, believing in the fantasies that young girls lock in their heads from the stupid fairy tales we are all read as bed time stories and spending hours watching on movies and television of the "fantasy" of love. The problem we all suffer from is we internalize these fantasies and all expect to live "happily ever after with our handsome prince." This is a fantasy and what I dislike more than Valentines Day are these fantasies. That is why the ending of "Would You Kiss a Frog" ends with the farmer putting the talking girl frog into his pocket because he would rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess. Growing up in a family of 6 girls and only one boy with a father that spent most of his time outdoors because of his job and his love to be outdooors, I learned to love to be outdoors too, but never learned to understand the male well at all. This left me completely unprepared for what life threw my way. You know the bumpy story of life with your father. When I finally found my soul-mate one would think that there would be no more bumpy roads. WRONG!!!! Years of bumping heads has taught me a few things that I want to pass on to you now that you seem to need it most. There are many types of love. The head-turning, heart-thumping type is not love but "attraction". Love is deeper and men show it in ways that are not spoken and is not with flowers, chocolate and jewelry. Their love is shown when they give up what they could be doing to go off to work every day and bring that money home, hand it over to you to spend on the needs of the family. It is sitting in front of the TV, at least in the same room hopefully, and definitely in the same house night after night instead of spending it out with his buddies. Most men are not good with showing affection and that heart-pumping time of your youth soon fades, especially when children come into the picture along with dirty diapers, dishes and laundry, etc. But a true test of love is taking time for each other to talk and share our TIME with or without words. Just being there for each other. The deepest love is shown without words. I am not sure there is a single person in the world that ever really CONNECTS with the artistic soul of a writer or an artist. That seems to be a lonely road emotionally for those most gifted. Think of the tragic stories of the most gifted in our past history. I can't think of one really gifted who had a truly happy and fulfilled life. That seems to be where they get the material to draw from to create their most outstanding achievements. But, at what a high price. Remember you can't walk down a road with someone if you are on a different path. Men all need to feel appreciated as we do. Don't turn your nose up at candy and flowers. Our society has been trained to believe that is what men are supposed to do and men don't understand women any better than we understand them anyway. If you get a Valentine, kiss the frog!!!

  2. After Thought - Life is more than bracing for the hard times and it can't sustain living in the fantasies our society perpetrates on us. We will all self-destruct if we try to live those fantasies. There is a scripture that I have tried to use as a Liahona for my life: Man is that he might have JOY and have it more abundantly. We all know that success without someone to share it brings no joy.